This is just for funsies, to see how well you know me. These are things that I say, or have been known to say and pretty much outline the structure of my brain. Fill in the blank with what you think I would say. The person who gets the most right the firstest will win 50 awesome points. GO!
1) Texas Heritage ______________!
2) What an apartment locator would say ____________________
3) Cool _________
4) Listen to the message, ____ _____, _______ ________
5) Disco _________ is real
6) Your _________
7) ___________ beer
8) I like to picture Jesus as _______________________ (this can have multiple answers)
9) da wool, da wool, da wool is on fi-yah _____________________________________
10) I'm ________________ of here
11) If you use WebMD to research a health problem, it will say you either have _____________ or __________________
12) My most frequently used texting emoticon __________________
13) ___________________brings all the boys to my yard (easy. Can be anything)
14) When the world slips you a Jeffery, _____________________________________
15) Knitty__________ and Marsh________________
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...
The sun in shining, the air is warming, the birds are singing. I step outside and breathe in the crisp air wanting to spin around like Julie Andrews on a hilltop when I turn, and see...
...the neighbor's graffiti-ed refrigerator sitting in their driveway and hear their 2.5 year old roof tarp flapping in the wind, while their yappy little yap-dogs yap away at nothing as usual. I sigh, realizing the peaceful sounds will be short lived when the teenage boys finally wake up and decide to lift weights in their garage to the sounds of thumpthump gangsta rap most of the day. I glance down to see their white, male tomcat cower under a dented Trans Am watching my every move. We have a hate-hate relationship. I stamp my foot in a show of force as he flinches and arches his back. Yes, I hate you too.
This cat has decided to conduct his nightly kitty war meetings on my back patio. Most nights at 0-dark-thirty, I awaken to the yowling and growling of cat war. Once, there were even bloody cat prints on my patio. I used to get up, and charge outside armed with only a broom and brave the unmistakable pungent tang of cat spray to chase off the invaders. This no longer works. There are three of them. A tripartite of cat-ass-trophe (sorry for the pun. Couldn't resist)
I was advised to use everything from vinegar to citrus rinds to cayenne pepper to deter these feline hooligans, but deduced that all I was doing was marinating my patio. I placed cheap wire fencing around the patio, but they jumped it anyway and the patio just looked like a fenced concrete prison yard. I placed faulty, blinking, staked solar yard lights to confuse them. I filled the open corners in the fence with bricks, limbs and other yard crap to make it harder for them to enter my yard. I TRIED to play nice, I TRIED to deter rather than punish.
I bought...a BB gun.
Now before you sic PETA on me and fill my comment page with hate comments, I bought the lowest powered plastic pistol that shoots plastic BB's. It will do no more than sting for a few moments but still get my point across. I made use of it the other night with a long haired cat and can say that 1) he has not been in my backyard again and 2) I have seen him in other yards since and he is no worse for wear.
I just want to be able to sit on my patio and sip coffee without smelling cat spray.
Go ahead punk...make my day
...the neighbor's graffiti-ed refrigerator sitting in their driveway and hear their 2.5 year old roof tarp flapping in the wind, while their yappy little yap-dogs yap away at nothing as usual. I sigh, realizing the peaceful sounds will be short lived when the teenage boys finally wake up and decide to lift weights in their garage to the sounds of thumpthump gangsta rap most of the day. I glance down to see their white, male tomcat cower under a dented Trans Am watching my every move. We have a hate-hate relationship. I stamp my foot in a show of force as he flinches and arches his back. Yes, I hate you too.
This cat has decided to conduct his nightly kitty war meetings on my back patio. Most nights at 0-dark-thirty, I awaken to the yowling and growling of cat war. Once, there were even bloody cat prints on my patio. I used to get up, and charge outside armed with only a broom and brave the unmistakable pungent tang of cat spray to chase off the invaders. This no longer works. There are three of them. A tripartite of cat-ass-trophe (sorry for the pun. Couldn't resist)
I was advised to use everything from vinegar to citrus rinds to cayenne pepper to deter these feline hooligans, but deduced that all I was doing was marinating my patio. I placed cheap wire fencing around the patio, but they jumped it anyway and the patio just looked like a fenced concrete prison yard. I placed faulty, blinking, staked solar yard lights to confuse them. I filled the open corners in the fence with bricks, limbs and other yard crap to make it harder for them to enter my yard. I TRIED to play nice, I TRIED to deter rather than punish.
I bought...a BB gun.
Now before you sic PETA on me and fill my comment page with hate comments, I bought the lowest powered plastic pistol that shoots plastic BB's. It will do no more than sting for a few moments but still get my point across. I made use of it the other night with a long haired cat and can say that 1) he has not been in my backyard again and 2) I have seen him in other yards since and he is no worse for wear.
I just want to be able to sit on my patio and sip coffee without smelling cat spray.
Go ahead punk...make my day
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Status...asthmaticus
Miss me? Sorry about dropping a New Years flaming bag of blog post on your doorstep and running away into the night for 3 weeks! Yet here I am again to toilet paper your brain with my mindless drivel. For those of you who actually READ my blog, thank you...both of you.
I actually have been sticking to my New Year's resolutions. I am eating better, I have resumed running and am "working on" treating myself better.
Running: This is where the title of this post comes in. I've been jumping on thehamster wheel of endless torture treadmill and/or hitting the track about 5 times per week with maybe a hiccup or two here and there. I have a life, you know! don't laugh So far, I've mainly been walking but have incorporated more running. I have to say my fitness progress isn't as bad as the first time when I started from nothing, but it's still hard. Gotta start somewhere, eh? I restarted the Couch to 5K program. I am planning on running a half marathon in 2012, so I have plenty of time to train.
Food: As an AA sponsor is to an alcoholic, my Lose It! app is to me. In true OCD fashion, I enter what I eat and it calculates the calories for me. I can choose how many calories I need to eat to lose "X" number of pounds. It has charts and graphs and everything. The best part is my daughter uses it too and the program lets us see each others achievements! Of course, I can choose what I want to show up on her side. I may not want her to see the marshmallow and coconut microwaved concoction I came up with last night to use up the rest of my calories. ahem I was talking about eating better, wasn't I? Ah yes, I also go to the local farmer's market once per week for fresh veggies. I eat healthier things, it keeps me out of the grocery store a bit longer and I'm supporting local business. Win! I have lost some weight, which is making exercise MUCH easier. If you want to "friend" me on Lose It, look me up!
I actually have been sticking to my New Year's resolutions. I am eating better, I have resumed running and am "working on" treating myself better.
Running: This is where the title of this post comes in. I've been jumping on the
Food: As an AA sponsor is to an alcoholic, my Lose It! app is to me. In true OCD fashion, I enter what I eat and it calculates the calories for me. I can choose how many calories I need to eat to lose "X" number of pounds. It has charts and graphs and everything. The best part is my daughter uses it too and the program lets us see each others achievements! Of course, I can choose what I want to show up on her side. I may not want her to see the marshmallow and coconut microwaved concoction I came up with last night to use up the rest of my calories. ahem I was talking about eating better, wasn't I? Ah yes, I also go to the local farmer's market once per week for fresh veggies. I eat healthier things, it keeps me out of the grocery store a bit longer and I'm supporting local business. Win! I have lost some weight, which is making exercise MUCH easier. If you want to "friend" me on Lose It, look me up!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Refresh Button
Wouldn't it be nice to have an actual refresh button for life? Wait! Before you pull out that barely concealed box of Massengil from beneath the table, I meant RE-fresh, not unfresh! Douchebags... The attraction of the new year's resolution is the chance for a do-over, a second chance, an oops-I-crapped-my-life fix. So yes, I will be like most of the prattling, look-at-me blogs in the webverse and discuss all of the crap I plan on doing differently.
...and now for part two of the obligatory "look at the stupid stuff I did in 2010 and the different stupid stuff I'm going to do in 2011.
ahem.
1) Better food. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I'll admit that food does temporarily comfort me and sometimes when I find something particularly good, I eat too much of it and sit in my semi (food) drunken stupor with a silly grin on my face drooling into a cup. Unfortunately, this leads to unwanted weight issues. Well meaning people will say "you should just eat less and move more" or "it's all in portion control" or suggest diet plans. That's like suggesting to an alcoholic "perhaps you weren't aware that there are other beverages to drink. Here...have some apple juice." I am a well educated health care professional and I probably know a lot more about nutrition than the average bear. I'm just going to say that I'm taking more steps to eat healthy. I will make strides to have a better diet with less processed, artificial food and actually plan in advance that I will actually want to eat some food when I get home and have something in mind AHEAD of time. Why is it a big surprise when I get home from work and oh-my-goodness-I-need-to-eat-some-junk-food-NAO-because-I-didn't-know-I-was-going-to-have-to-eat-and-planned-nothing panic.
2) Improved fitness. This isn't saying much when compared with my current state. As I huffed around the track this morning, I wondered where the girl who ran the half marathon last year went. I liked her a lot better. She was a machine! Maybe an old Ford Pinto with a bubble hatch, but still a machine! I'm going to win her back like a bad romantic comedy. (cue Eye of the Tiger music)
3) Treat myself better and get off my own case. Have you ever looked at old pictures of yourself and wish you could have told that person that she's really cute and not at all as fat as she thinks? That she really has it better than she complains about? That she's sweating the small stuff? ::looks in the mirror and pastes on a fake, insecure smile:: Okay, I'm going to have to work on this one.
In short, for 2011 I'm going to be more awesome.
...and now for part two of the obligatory "look at the stupid stuff I did in 2010 and the different stupid stuff I'm going to do in 2011.
ahem.
1) Better food. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I'll admit that food does temporarily comfort me and sometimes when I find something particularly good, I eat too much of it and sit in my semi (food) drunken stupor with a silly grin on my face drooling into a cup. Unfortunately, this leads to unwanted weight issues. Well meaning people will say "you should just eat less and move more" or "it's all in portion control" or suggest diet plans. That's like suggesting to an alcoholic "perhaps you weren't aware that there are other beverages to drink. Here...have some apple juice." I am a well educated health care professional and I probably know a lot more about nutrition than the average bear. I'm just going to say that I'm taking more steps to eat healthy. I will make strides to have a better diet with less processed, artificial food and actually plan in advance that I will actually want to eat some food when I get home and have something in mind AHEAD of time. Why is it a big surprise when I get home from work and oh-my-goodness-I-need-to-eat-some-junk-food-NAO-because-I-didn't-know-I-was-going-to-have-to-eat-and-planned-nothing panic.
2) Improved fitness. This isn't saying much when compared with my current state. As I huffed around the track this morning, I wondered where the girl who ran the half marathon last year went. I liked her a lot better. She was a machine! Maybe an old Ford Pinto with a bubble hatch, but still a machine! I'm going to win her back like a bad romantic comedy. (cue Eye of the Tiger music)
3) Treat myself better and get off my own case. Have you ever looked at old pictures of yourself and wish you could have told that person that she's really cute and not at all as fat as she thinks? That she really has it better than she complains about? That she's sweating the small stuff? ::looks in the mirror and pastes on a fake, insecure smile:: Okay, I'm going to have to work on this one.
In short, for 2011 I'm going to be more awesome.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011 Reboot
Ah...the new year. A time when we can Ctrl + Alt + Del and try and reboot ourselves for the future. As much as I scoff about resolutions, (they are just so resolute!) I like to look forward to what this year can bring. Everybody gets so entrenched and mentally flailing during the holidays that the new year is like a deep breath of fresh air.
First, we must dust off the 2010 goals and see where we landed. Last year, I had fewer new year goals, thank goodness!
1. Be more social - Far from being a social butterfly, I did often resist my hermit-like nature. I feel like I grew closer to my friends. They really surprised me on Christmas Eve - a dark and stormy night. I hear a furious pounding on the door. Alarmed, I was thankful that my son-in-law the Marine was in my home at the time. I opened the door. At my feet were two boxes of Christmas goodies but no person/live body to go with them only the retreating stares of headlights in the rain. I called after the car "Who are you?". The car stopped, paused for a moment, then a hand ascended from the partially open door in full "bird" formation before hurrying off into the night. A big grin grew on my face. I never would have guessed that getting the bird and being called a "hoar" would be such terms of endearment...but...there you are. My friends are amazing.
2. Finish half marathon and continue running. Well, I DID finish the half marathon and got back out in starts and spurts occaisionally. I could make lots of excuses, but my inner drill sergeant won't let me.
3. Get through my daughter's wedding - done. over. finito. hasta la vista baby!
4. Simplify and de-stuffify my house/life - Over the course of the year, I did move out my daughter and took 3 TRUCKLOADS full of stuff to the Goodwill. The garage sale just wasn't happening. Too much trouble for too little money and now others can benefit from my castoffs. I can now park in my own garage!!!!
Next post will be about my goals for the new year. I'm still thinking about them. Right now, I just want to be more awesome.
First, we must dust off the 2010 goals and see where we landed. Last year, I had fewer new year goals, thank goodness!
1. Be more social - Far from being a social butterfly, I did often resist my hermit-like nature. I feel like I grew closer to my friends. They really surprised me on Christmas Eve - a dark and stormy night. I hear a furious pounding on the door. Alarmed, I was thankful that my son-in-law the Marine was in my home at the time. I opened the door. At my feet were two boxes of Christmas goodies but no person/live body to go with them only the retreating stares of headlights in the rain. I called after the car "Who are you?". The car stopped, paused for a moment, then a hand ascended from the partially open door in full "bird" formation before hurrying off into the night. A big grin grew on my face. I never would have guessed that getting the bird and being called a "hoar" would be such terms of endearment...but...there you are. My friends are amazing.
2. Finish half marathon and continue running. Well, I DID finish the half marathon and got back out in starts and spurts occaisionally. I could make lots of excuses, but my inner drill sergeant won't let me.
3. Get through my daughter's wedding - done. over. finito. hasta la vista baby!
4. Simplify and de-stuffify my house/life - Over the course of the year, I did move out my daughter and took 3 TRUCKLOADS full of stuff to the Goodwill. The garage sale just wasn't happening. Too much trouble for too little money and now others can benefit from my castoffs. I can now park in my own garage!!!!
Next post will be about my goals for the new year. I'm still thinking about them. Right now, I just want to be more awesome.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Inner Drill Sergeant
OKAY MAGGOT! YOU CAN GET OFF YER LAZY ASS, QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT THERE AND MAKE YOURSELF HAPPEN!
I just feel so blah, so bloated and out of shape. I just want to stay inside and watch TV.
OH YES, BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER RIGHT?
Well, no... but I am hungry. Food always makes me feel better. Food is comfort.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME EXACTLY HOW COMFORTABLE YOU FEEL IN YOUR OWN SKIN RIGHT NOW. DO THESE CLOTHES FEEL COMFORTABLE? DO YOU GET OUT OF BREATH WALKING AROUND THE BLOCK? REMIND ME AGAIN HOW GOOD FOOD MAKES YOU FEEL? HOW'S THAT NEW "EXPANSION PACK" THAT BEN AND JERRY INSTALLED FOR YOU?
Uh, no...but you don't understand...I've had a very stressful year. My daughter got married and moved away, my dog died, I'm still adjusting to a new job...
WAH! SHIT HAPPENS! THAT'S NO CALL FOR RETREATING TO YOUR CELLULITE COFFIN. PEOPLE GO THROUGH WORSE EVERY DAY. GET OVER IT!
I guess you're right. Are you sure you want to take on the plight of the lost Fantasia hippo? heh heh? Isn't Seaworld missing a manatee? Man the harpoon...
CRITICIZE YOUR LAZINESS, CRITICIZE YOUR BAD MOOD, HECK EVEN CRITICIZE YOUR MOTIVATION. THOSE ARE IN THE HERE AND NOW AND CAN BE CHANGED. WE WILL NOT JOKE OR CRITICIZE ABOUT FAT, BECAUSE THOSE ARE PAST CHOICES YOU MADE. WE WILL LEARN FROM THEM - YES! BUT LOOKING BACK WILL NOT TAKE US FORWARD. UNDERSTOOD?
Yes. Where do I start?
NOW. PUT DOWN THE CHOCOLATE AND STEP OUT THE DOOR.
but it's cold - DRESS WARMLY
I've been coughing - USE AN INHALER. YOU'LL LIVE
I look ridiculous - YOU WERE INVISIBLE BEFORE
my jogging bra doesn't fit - I DOUBT YOU WILL JOG, JUST PUT ON THE OTHER ONE
I'll be the cliche January 1 fitness restart - BETTER THAN NOT RESTARTING AT ALL
Okay...here goes nothin
I just feel so blah, so bloated and out of shape. I just want to stay inside and watch TV.
OH YES, BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER RIGHT?
Well, no... but I am hungry. Food always makes me feel better. Food is comfort.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME EXACTLY HOW COMFORTABLE YOU FEEL IN YOUR OWN SKIN RIGHT NOW. DO THESE CLOTHES FEEL COMFORTABLE? DO YOU GET OUT OF BREATH WALKING AROUND THE BLOCK? REMIND ME AGAIN HOW GOOD FOOD MAKES YOU FEEL? HOW'S THAT NEW "EXPANSION PACK" THAT BEN AND JERRY INSTALLED FOR YOU?
Uh, no...but you don't understand...I've had a very stressful year. My daughter got married and moved away, my dog died, I'm still adjusting to a new job...
WAH! SHIT HAPPENS! THAT'S NO CALL FOR RETREATING TO YOUR CELLULITE COFFIN. PEOPLE GO THROUGH WORSE EVERY DAY. GET OVER IT!
I guess you're right. Are you sure you want to take on the plight of the lost Fantasia hippo? heh heh? Isn't Seaworld missing a manatee? Man the harpoon...
CRITICIZE YOUR LAZINESS, CRITICIZE YOUR BAD MOOD, HECK EVEN CRITICIZE YOUR MOTIVATION. THOSE ARE IN THE HERE AND NOW AND CAN BE CHANGED. WE WILL NOT JOKE OR CRITICIZE ABOUT FAT, BECAUSE THOSE ARE PAST CHOICES YOU MADE. WE WILL LEARN FROM THEM - YES! BUT LOOKING BACK WILL NOT TAKE US FORWARD. UNDERSTOOD?
Yes. Where do I start?
NOW. PUT DOWN THE CHOCOLATE AND STEP OUT THE DOOR.
but it's cold - DRESS WARMLY
I've been coughing - USE AN INHALER. YOU'LL LIVE
I look ridiculous - YOU WERE INVISIBLE BEFORE
my jogging bra doesn't fit - I DOUBT YOU WILL JOG, JUST PUT ON THE OTHER ONE
I'll be the cliche January 1 fitness restart - BETTER THAN NOT RESTARTING AT ALL
Okay...here goes nothin
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