Yarn Foolery

Now that it’s cold, my daughter is whining about me making her some wristwarmers when I have Christmas knitting to finish! (okay just half a sock) but still! I showed her the malabrigo I bought and she says “do you have anything softer?” I told her to go catch some angel farts and I would be right on that. I think she’s thinking of those fuzzy yarns that are so soft they snag on your hands. If she’s thinking of my Handmaiden Camel/Silk yarn, she’s crazy. She may be my only child but she can’t have that. I can see the headlines now:

“Another Obsessed Knitter Neglects Child”
-by Lotta Crylic

Authorities are tracking yet another insanely obsessed knitter bent on neglecting her child. Forced to wear hand stranglers of M-M-Malabrigo, the child is forced to share living space with what is referred to as “the stash”. Scientists believe the microabrasions found on the childs hands could be the result of either the alleged Malabrigo or aggressive video game play. We may never know. Unable to find the softness she so rightly deserves, this anonymous child sought the help of AFU news correspondent Lotta Crylic.

According to the child, she reports that the mother often engages in secret group meetings with other yarn-crazed women. These women often display knitting gang signs and have intimidating gang names like tehstix, TwistedTexan, MsLilly, Webecca, Kate and Tifftastic not to mention their matriarch, Mopknits. It is also confirmed that her mother has recently been on a yarn rampage in the Texas Hill Country with other random women she met on the interwebs, leaving her helpless 18 year old child home alone to fend for herself.

I went to speak with the mother who answered the door with two long metal spikes, trailing some yarn she had just disemboweled. I could see behind her some kind of primitive, wooden yarn-torturing wheel device and thought better of entering. I asked the mother if she would give up her Camelspun/silk yarn for this poor suffering waif to which she replied “frog you!” and slammed the door.

It appears that we may not have an answer to this epidemic of yarn-foolery. The subjects are left feeling fleeced and we have yet to find an antidote for this Mal-Abrigo.